Why did you leave me.?

by Maria Roldan
(Brooklyn NY)

I've tried so hard in school. Everyday i would come home to your amazing cooking and a clean house. I always loved your hugs and kisses. We would do everything together.
I was only 6 years old at the time. My father had many injuries from being a citizen. After 9/11 he seemed much worse than i had remembered. He was always so pale. He couldnt walk me to school anymore. He wasnt a firefighter or anything like that. He came to pick me up from school, inhaled all of the smoke.
Years go by and my drunk mother would always try to hit me. I dont blame my mother for anything, i always blame myself. I took art into the my life, expressing my emotions. Watching my dad become slower and slower. Our holidays came to a stop when my mom became too drunk and almost killed herself by setting the house on fire. I feared to live with her that day until forever. She did not died, yet she drank even more.
The last christmas we had together. She came home drunk while me and my dad were setting the tree and wrapping presents for my little sister and my ADHD big brother. She got mad at the fact that i didnt want to take a picture with her. And she picked up a white glass mug and threw it at me. It hit my foot and broke, only the cup. My dad flew into a rage. I've never seen him like that before. I had to stop it before he hit her. It was my fault i would think.
New years came around and something was very different. They were drunk together holding hands and kissing. I never seen them do anything like that. I would be sleeping with my mom and sister while my dad always slept with my brother. I felt weird watching them. We didnt stay up that night, we all went to bed.
My birthday came and nothing happened. No cake, No balloons. Nothing. My dad cried that he couldnt give me anything. i cried, not at the fact that i didnt get anything. it was that i made him cry, my fault again. I was 11, and i knew that birthdays weren't so special. Around March or April my father gave me a box and a card. i opened the box to a cross, Gold! i cried, itailan gold and 14k gold. it was the most amazing thing i'd ever seen. We cried that day, and i thanked him.
In May he started acting funny. And my mom became more and more drunk everyday. Until May 28, 2006 he went into the hospital. I cried, i couldnt let him. The police told my mom to act her act together and drink some coffee. I cleaned the house and made coffee for her. My sister and brother were in shock. After she had got her act together, we went to the hospital. I found him in the bed, already with drugs in him. i found him speechless. he cried as he watched me watch him. i held my cross tightly. I never wanted to leave him that day, i wanted to stay. May 29 2006, we went around 5pm. I yelled at my mom because i wanted to get there earlier. I was running to his room until the doctor had stopped me. He said he wasn't going to live. He had Lupus and its too late. i fell to my knees just shocked. Like someone stabbed me in my heart and ripped my chain of my neck. I Got up to see nurses working over him. They left and i saw my aunt and his friend there with him. He didnt move, he didnt talk...he was there motionless.
He flickered his eyes to me and was there. We watched he other, listening to his heart beat, until it came to a stop. "NOOO" i screamed! i raced to his side looking at him, trying to fix him. His friend and a guy nurse dragged me out the room. "Let me goo! I need to help him! I want him here with me! LET ME GO!" Everyone watched as they dragged me to a pain room,all white. they locked the door and left me there with my sister and brother who had no idea what was going on. i screamed, i banged i did everything. I couldnt get out. I saw him, there in the window. he waved at me and dissappeared. i fell to floor crying not knowing what to do. My mom came in telling me to say goodbye. No emotion in her face. No tears. Nothing. I couldnt even get up, it was like something left my body. "My fault" i cried.
I walked slowly to his room as he was there. Cold, and lifeless. I touched his face. His eyes were closed, and he was smiling.

I will always love you dad. No matter what. You told me you are always in my heart. And for that I thank you with everything I have. Im only 15, but I'll be with you someday in life. I hope your proud of me and i miss you dearly.

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Feb 28, 2013
to you NEW
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain my father passed away a day before my 13th birthday of a heart attack,its only been a year now ,but i feel he is in a better place,and now at least i know the day i die i get to see his smile again....

Jan 30, 2013
Keep your head up NEW
by: Anonymous

That was a amazing test of faith, you did all you could to hold your family together and nothing that happen was your fought, please believe that. God knows your strength, I am truly sorry for the lost of your dad, in time you will heal and your memories will last for ever.

Nov 27, 2012
why did u live me? NEW
by: Anonymous

What a sad tale. Debriefing is a good thing, bcoz atleast u become relieved n self-realized. Thanks for allowing yourslf to share your story, hoping that you'll console others when they feel lonely, hopeless and sad. Thank you !

Oct 20, 2010
jus a lil letter
by: Anonymous

Hi i just wanted to say tha i was 14 wen my dad died n he was my life too. I lived n breathed every thing he sed n dun. I miss him every day but it does get easier. He has been gone now for 10 years. I jus wanted 2 write to u to let u no tha in time it will get easier take care x

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