Last Day with Mom

by Rudy
(NJ)

I lost my mother almost two years ago. Since then I have completely become a different person.

On the day my mother died she called me to go and pick her up with my cousin. So me and my cousin went and picked her up. The image of her leaning on a blue mailbox with the wind blowing has never left my mind. It's an image that I keep with me forever. Her hair blowing, face concentrating on finding us and I barely recognized her, my cousin pointed her out. As soon as she got in the car I asked if she wanted to go to the hospital because I knew she was feeling well but she said no.

She hated hospitals and doctors,she had just been there the week before and just left. My cousin dropped me and my mom off. I spent the whole morning talking with her. I had an honest conversation trying to see my point of view on a problem between, trying to make her understand that she could always call me if she needed me but I could not live with her and her boyfriend. that it would destroy me staying in that environment but that if she ever needed me i would be there.

That i am not my sister and I am a different person but that i love her. i was preparing my stuff to move out of her house. then i had to leave because i had to work. i said good byre that i loved her and she can call me anytime she needed me. the whole day i had a weird feeling and i called everybody. i kept seeing her as i did that morning with the wind blowing in her hair and everywhere. i don't know why i kept seeing her.i called everyone i knew o make sure they were OK. i called her twice but assumed she was sleeping because she often slept during the day. later that night my sister calls me and says that ma's boyfriend has been calling saying she's dead and to make he wasn't lying so i went over to her house and there were cops everywhere. i knew she was dead but i had to see. i went up to her apartment and there she was dead. her face was blue and she looked like she was sleeping. i shook just to make sure she wasn't sleeping but she was dead. my cousin was there and she held me as i cried. my aunt and her family came over for support. i had to call my sister and tell her our mother was dead. she screamed no and started crying on the phone. ever since that day i cant sit still. i feel like i am wasting my time if i am not constantly dding something. i cant watch tv or even care about any shows. i try to connect with people now instead of being alone, and i try things that used to scare me.i constantly look for things that will distract me from how i feel but nothing i do can ever distract me from the fact that in a few weeks my mom will be dead for two years.

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Oct 04, 2012
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I am so sorry for your loss :(
by: Anonymous

i know u said its been almost 2 yrs but that doesnt make it easier. i lost my mom 2 yrs ago in aug and i still pick up the phone to call her and then remember i cant. i was just existing not living for almost 6 months after her death. i finally had to think about what she would say to do and i went for my dream of finishing beauty school at 40 yrs old and finished, but then it broke my heart all over again because she was so proud of me for goin back to school and couldnt b there to celebrate with me. since then so many things have happened great in my life but i still grieve cuz shes not here to share them with me. my mom and i battled about not seeing eye to eye on alot of things for many years but i will say that the last 3 months she was alive that i know without a doubt that all the doubts she had about me loving her were put to rest, she knew and i know that there was so much love between us even through all the fighting, i have no doubts she knew with all her heart that i loved her with all mine. and even though the pain goes on and gets me when i least expect it, it has gotten bearable. i would just say hold onto all the sweet memories and let go of all the sad ones. i too saw my mom lifeless and i wish that had NEVER taken place, i am so thankful my brother and sis didnt have to see all the stuff i saw. i just try to put good Godly things in my head to try to vanish all the bad i saw. and remember she loved you no matter what u may think or feel, hold onto the love, i pray God surround you with His Perfect peace, my favorite Psalm is 34:18, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit, God Bless, Louann Mckethan

Sep 27, 2012
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She Is Part Of Me Forever- Mom
by: Lise DeTonnancourt

I so understand how you feel. Losing your mother is like losing a part of yourself. I lost Mom 5 months ago and I literally think about her thousands of times every single day. It took me a while to feel her Presence, her Heavenly Presence though. I think my enormous grief of her death got in the way of my being able to "feel" her still with me. It was like I was maybe crying too hard inside to be able to hear her whispers that she was happy and peaceful and actually still with me, even more now than she was before. I think I know the anxiety that you wrote about after your mom's death too. We all experience things differently and so I am sure that my anxiety was unique, as was/is yours. It doesn't really matter, because it is basically for us a struggle inside to learn to live without her here in our mortal lives on earth, I think. My mother's transition was so dignified and courageous and I have learned so much from her in her last months of battling her cancer and then in her peaceful acceptance of what was to come for her. I will never ever forget her last words to me 8 days before she died (on April 1st 2012). Her head on her pillow, lying on her right side (always), she said to me, "Lise, I don't know what I'm going to do without you." I think that she is doing fine without me now (due to my faith that she truly is with God). I said in response to her that day, "I don't know what I am going to do without YOU, Mom." I told her the truth that day, because I am still struggling a lot every day and night without her. At 10pm every night I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness and emptiness, thinking about how we would be on the phone together every night at that time (her in FL & me in CA). I usually then will go out to the porch of our log cabin and sit there and look up at the stars in the sky and begin my conversation with her anyway, though it is without a phone. A lot of times it is not a one-sided conversation too.

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